Neither teenage years with eating disorders nor all the exercising with a regulated diet gave Sarah the perfect body she longed for. In her head, the body was an instrumental object that had to be processed and transformed. No matter how much time and effort she put into the gym, it was never good enough. In her desperation to succeed with the body project, she finally chose to try anabolic steroids as a last resort, to improve her physics.
The idea of starting steroids had played on her mind since she was 17 years old. When she turned 21 years old, she decided to put her thoughts into action. She was from an small town, and decided to travel by train into a larger city to meet an acquaintance in the fitness community. Se meet a rather reserved fellow, wearing a hoodie, who also sold narcotics in addition to steroids. He gave Sarah her first injection with the steroid called Deca Durablin. She didn’t dare to inject it herself .
Immediately after the injection, she felt relief and excitement, thinking that now it is in progress, now it is rolling and going. The seller assured her that it would work out fine. They chattered for a little while about steroids after the injection, and then Sarah went home.
However, the good feeling did not last long. Sarah got sick and extremely unwell the first night after the injection. Something went badly wrong, and she ended up on emergency room with extreme nausea and poor general condition. The doctor who worked that night was sympathetic and prescribed the drug Afipran against queasiness.
She was told to take it easy and not overexert. Maybe the steroid was contaminated, but it didn’t scare her though, the dream of the perfect body was stronger than ever. And then it was back to the grindstone. Only one week later, she bought new ampoules with the anabolic steroid Winstrol and injected it without being taught how to. On one occasion she drew up too much air into the syringe and almost kept fainting.
As time went by she got big bluish balls in her seat muscles. However, that did not stop her either. She continued and gained bigger and harder muscles, les fat, more visible veins, higher energy levels and significantly better self-esteem.
It was as if the testosterone-like substance Stanozolol had blown life into her. From being stuck in an eating disorder universe, characterized by a rigid and deadlock mind pattern, she suddenly felt all reved up.
She grew stoned on herself, and lived in a constant euphoria, with a cloudless sky every day. Socially she went from being introverted and reserved to outgoing and sociable.The immense feeling of well-being that the steroids provided made her life a dream. She was no longer anxious and insecure, but unafraid and self-assured.
Sarah became the exact opposite of how she was when she struggled with eating disorders.
Sarah’s upbringing reflected a great deal of unrest. Her parents had a strained marriage. There was rarely peace and harmony while both were in the same room. Sarah experienced the adults arguing endlessly, for nothing. Dad struggled with drugs and alcohol abuse, and was sometimes violent to her mother.
Father’s miserable childhood made him live under a shadow. In periods, he would open up and talk about his upbringing. Sarah had to be emotionally present for her father in a way she really should not have been, but which was not up to her to decide. Dad’s long-term alcohol abuse caused him to develop severe heart failure over time, and he died when she was 12 years old.
All the commotion constantly surrounding her, made her feel out of the ordinary, and she felt left out, as well. She was a fragile child who took in the whole world, and she could not close up for anything or anyone.
At home, her body was constantly the subject of discussion. A calorie table had a visible place on the wall. She had been the favourite, slender daughter, who got lots of compliments about her beautiful appearance. Occasionally, mom came with a tape measure to check her waistline. She was very concerned about her daughter having the right proportions.
Dad had a strained relationship towards food at times. He was over-eating and throwing up in fear of gaining weight. If father’s weight increased, mother threatened to leave him. In other words, Sarah was in a way, brought up with the words “body” and “appearance”.
Things had gone well until she turned 16 years old. Her hormone changes led to puppy fat, sticking to her ass and stomach. She gained weight despite eating the same amount of food. At home, comments would follow whenever she put on weight.
Out in the wider society, she was brainwashed everyday by the HM commercials portraying the mostbeautiful models. Often, she would try on underwear in the dressing rooms of various stores, and was disappointed every time. Sarah thought she was many miles away from being close to something that could remind her of an ideal body.
Her body and soul was hurt. She felt so limitlessly unsuccessful. She could not live up to the ideal at home nor out in the community. Why could she not just pull herself together and lose weight? What would become of her? The message was crystal clear she was not good enough as she was. The goalbecame everything she lived for.
Sarah’s disgust for her own body evolved and she developed eating disorders. There was a lot of self-hatred and self-torture. Food was no longer a matter of course, but something she had to earn. She yo-yoed between binge eating, vomiting and starving herself. She was struggling with a low and fluctuating self-esteem. Daily she exercised for hours. She used calorie-rich food to alleviate her feeling of inadequacy. When she consumed huge portions of cakes and candies, it was as if she forgot everything and everyone.
Sarah ate sweets and cakes until she felt blown up. Until there was physically no space for more. Still, she wanted more. Sarah was never satisfied and craved more food. She drank large amounts of water, stuck her finger in her throat, threw up and repeated the circle. Exhausted after consuming another serving, she crawled out into the bathroom again. She reiterated the ritual ad nauseam. Sarah kept living in the present while she was stuffing herself with food. Vomiting may have removed some of the shame of eating too much. Still, the action itself just gave her even more shame.
Sarah saw herself through the eyes of others. She thought will people see me if I only get thin enough? Her obsession with food and looks led to isolation. It became a secluded life with plenty of time on her own. She shut out old friends and avoided social gatherings, if food was served. The calorie table became her best friend and she despised her own body fat.
The strangled rom part 1The eating disorder was like a tight and strangled room. She had frozen into a state characterized by a rigid and deadlocked mind. A friend of hers expressing: “You don’t live your life, you barely exists”. Sarah did not care much about the comment, pretended not to hear.
By gaining “full control” over energy intake and weight, she should regain self-respect. For Sarah, food and body became a language to deal with emotions and life problems. She tried desperately to create order in her own universe. Nevertheless, everything remained just chaos and mess inside her. Little did she know about who she was.
She loved making fatty and high-calorie foods for the family that she herself would not eat. In the end, the dishes became so fatty and shiny that her mother also refused to eat what Sarah served. Her lean body desperately needed the food she made for the others. The surplus had disappeared a long time ago and her glance looked empty. Now she was just thin and no longer had the strength to exercise. Her mother started to get worried and expressed that her daughter should gain weight.
Life had begun to become dull and sad. Meaning and content of existence remained absent. Sarah felt the emptiness that embraced her. She became desperate to find a new identity, a new shell that she could crawl into. She decided to convert. She no longer wanted to be thin and hinged but hard, muscular and defined. Slowly but surely, she slipped into this fitness world with visible blood vessels, fat-free bodies and bulging muscles. She increased her food intake to be able to exercise. It was a kind of rescue. Hunger was no longer the necessary evil, nor a goal in itself.
The aim was to achieve a perfect, fat-free, muscular body with visible veins – a personal suit of armour that she could wear with pride. Sarah had decided. In one way or another, she would turn herself into a “Terminator woman”. A feminine figure, one would think, which was made of steel or carbon fibres. There should not be an ounce of fat on her body.
The idea of trying anabolic steroids was constantly emerging. At the gym she usually went to, many people used performance enhancers. It was not difficult to obtain, nor very expensive. If only for a short time, Sarah thought. The goal would however justify the means, no matter what the cost might be. Unfortunately, she decided to put her thoughts into action.
This is a story of how the pursuit of self-control ended in eating disorders and misuse of anabolic steroids. I encountered a health service that knew very little about steroids. My hope is that telling my story will enable others like me to be treated with greater understanding.
As a teenager, I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, after growing up in a dysfunctional home, where my body was a constant topic of discussion. There was a lot of self-hatred and self-torture, and I yo-yoed between binge eating, vomiting and starving myself. At the same time, I exercised frequently and excessively. The only thing that made me feel calm was driving my body to the limits of exhaustion.
«The year on steroids was a decadent, dissipated and boundless life».
«No longer knowing what a pretty body is».
This blog aims to shed light on taboo topics such as doping and eating disorders. The theme left in this blog is «The suffocating room.
Eating and body disturbances can just be compared to a choking room that narrows, detracts and ultimately takes life. The road from a body image disorder to doping can be short. We are all brainwashed every day by gorgeous retouched images that abound on the internet. Many resort to shortcuts in search of the perfect body. These shortcuts have cost many expensive.They all say afterwards after the end of doping, that it was not worth it, considering the serious side effects they experienced.
The blog series «The suffocating room» tells the story of Sarah who began experimenting with anabolic steroids, after struggling with eating disorders for many years. Sarah’s body was literally her own laboratory. Her quest for control even came out of control. It had fatal consequences and the solution eventually became the problem itself. The blog series is basically about the long way back. The broken psyche she was left with made this journey almost impossible. She sank deeper and deeper, and eventually no longer didn`t know what a pretty body was.
Eating disorders can be seen as a form of acting out . However, when dopants are ingested, the acting out continues, only at the other end of the scale.
For outsiders, the lifestyle that accompanies the eating disorder may appear to be a poor life.
Or maybe we should regard the disorder as an expression of the soul’s minimalism.
Feel free to contact me at my email address if you have any questions about women and drug use.